Only 11 Days!

o-KATE-MIDDLETON-PREGNANT-SPOOF-570Given that the much-trumpeted ‘game-changer’ of a radical proposal to announce a new federal Britain seems to have fizzled out in the wake of a generalised incompetence, and some tricky legal problems, here’s a few handy hints about what might work to help ‘save the Union’ (we’ve only 11 days!!!!):

1) An Ebola scare in Glasgow. Clear the area, call the whole thing off. Level 12 at COBRA, that kind of thing. The sort of situation that’s so serious they bring Danny Alexander in to sort it out.

2) Kate Middleton announces her second pregnancy. The referendum could be flooded out by earnest discussion about reuseable nappies and polka dot baby-gros.

3) Bring in Rory the Tory. He could quickly organise a grassroots network of flaming torches on every hill in Scotland to show everyone how much people love the Jocks.

4) Douglas Alexander and Gordon Brown could co-write a strongly worded pamphlet with a picture of them both looking serious on the front cover, and reminding everyone that they are both, in a very real sense, Sons of the Manse. Hashtag = #hugeintellects

5) Tasers at the polling stations. Look, it could get REALLY DIVISIVE, best if anyone with a suspicious looking Yes badge gets tasered on sight.



Categories: Commentary

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15 replies

  1. The latest I have heard is that they are really worried about disturbances on polling day, so they are planning to take the unprecedented step of separating the two sides and asking Yes voters to vote on Thursday 18 September, and No voters to wait their turn and do their voting duty on Friday 19 September. In fact if you read the Edinburgh Agreement you’ll see there is a proviso for this very scenario in the annexes.

  2. José? That’s not free and fair is it? Certainly isn’t secret…

  3. I wouldn’t put anything past the desperate hair-brained schemes of Westminster, but whatever they come up with at the last minute, it will be laughed at, parodied, and taken for what it is -the ultimate dreadful attempt at twisting the minds of the people.

  4. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! Just heard on BBC 6 Music news – Kate’s preggers!!!!!!!!!

  5. Looks like BeIla wins the Nostrodamuus prize Kate pregnant Hope you predict A clear YES.

  6. …and No. 2 has already come to pass!

  7. They left that a bit late for maximum effect. Maybe they could wheel her up for a bit of public morning sickness.

  8. We should call this “Unionist roulette”.

    My turn:

    Shoot somebody. Try to blame us.

    Blow something up. Try to blame us.

    Declare war on Russia. Reintroduce conscription. Ban YES.

    Poison Al-Iksammin. Say it was suicide.

    Switch off the Internet.

    Serve up Ebola for breakfast at Dungavel. Accidentally leave the gates open.

    Disconnect Torness’ cooling pipes. Blame the local plumber.

    Belatedly seek the House of Lords approval of the Edinburgh Agreement.

    Fabricate evidence of the aliens’ arrival.

    Reveal the positive case for the Union (which is a secret).

  9. I thought it would be Harry getting hitched, still time to roll that one out but not enough time for the actual ceremony, Kate’s up the duff tho !

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